Here is what I wish we all knew about stress, why self-care doesn't always work and what we really need to find lasting relief. Welcome, I am Angela, I am glad that you are here. Settle in and let's explore this together. First, let's have a quick look at how our stress response is supposed to work. All being well, we feel safe, at ease and connected to ourselves and the world around us. Our needs are met and we feel grounded and deeply okay. As soon as we notice a threat, our nervous system takes immediate action and activates our stress response. It gets us ready for a fight, flight or freeze response. There is no thinking involved. Once the threat has been handled or has disappeared, our relaxation response is activated and we go back to All is Well. Although that's actually not quite what happens, we stay alert for some time after the threat has disappeared, in case there is another threat lurking nearby. And it takes quite a while for us to go back to feeling completely safe and at ease again. So, how is this different for chronic stress? With chronic stress, we tend to experience multiple stressful situations that can last for a long time, not just the occasional stressful event. Maybe you are experiencing conflict at work or at home, with your partner or your kids. Maybe a major life event, a new baby or a bereavement, or perhaps you or somebody you care about are experiencing a serious illness. Maybe you're struggling with workload, or the pressures of being a carer, or maybe you're experiencing loneliness. And then there's the day to day background stress, whether that's pandemics, wars or politics, household chores, bills to pay, traffic jams or social media, and on top of that, you've been told that you need to look after your own wellbeing as well. Stress builds up over time, and survival mode becomes our new normal, with all the negative effects on our physical, mental and emotional health that come with that. Remember, just because it's normal, doesn't mean it's healthy. Stressful events that we might have coped with easily in the past, might now tip us into overwhelm where we can't cope anymore. So how do we get back to that all is well with us feeling? Surely, that's where self-care comes in? Of course it does. But why doesn't that always work? And why is it so easy to slip back into our unhelpful stress responses whenever another stressful situation occurs? To answer these questions, let's look at how we tend to cope with stress. We all have go-to strategies that help us deal with stressful situations. That might be working even harder, or it might be people pleasing. You'll know what that looks like for you. We also have strategies that help us relieve some of the discomfort that's caused by stress, like scrolling, watching TV, comfort food, caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, you name it. These behaviours have become habits, shortcuts our brain uses to help us save time and energy. Habits can be very useful, like being able to brush your teeth whilst thinking about what's for dinner tonight. But habits can also keep us stuck in unhelpful behaviours. The more we repeat a habit, the more we are reinforcing it, and it becomes harder to change it. What's interesting is that we've picked up most of our habits by chance and not by choice whilst growing up, and that includes the habits we use to deal with any kind of discomfort, including stress. Most of us learned to ignore discomfort or to distract ourselves, partly because we don't want to experience discomfort or painful feelings, partly because we don't know what else to do about it, and none of our role models knew either. For example, when we hurt ourselves as a child, we may have been given some sweets to help us feel better, or we may have seen grown-ups using alcohol and nicotine to feel better. We may even realise that our current coping habits aren't helpful, but we are too stressed to figure out alternatives to respond differently. It's much easier to stick with our old habits and keep doing what we have always been doing in response to stress. But that doesn't explain why chronic stress can show up with all sorts of symptoms, whether that's physical, mental or emotional. Where do those come from and why do they stick around? Our body and mind constantly exchange information to keep us safe from danger and ensure that our needs are met. We take in information through our senses, and the nervous system interprets this information and helps us take action if needed. But often, we are not very good at responding to the signals our body sends us. I think it's a little like this. We're busy juggling all those stressful situations when a friend knocks on our door and says, Listen, there's a problem you need to know about. Now, we may not even hear our friend because they've knocked gently and we are concentrating so hard on all the stressful stuff. Or we might hear them and we might say, I am really sorry, but I have already got so many things I am juggling. I haven't got time for another problem. Let me sort these out first, and then I'll help you with this new problem. Only, we end up juggling even more. Now, this friend is actually our best friend, so they keep knocking louder and louder, telling us that there's a problem we really need to know about, so we try to fit in some self-care along with everything else. Still, our problem doesn't go away. So, our friend gets creative and starts sending us the same message any way they can think of. Maybe exhaustion, headaches or brain fog, maybe trouble sleeping or panic attacks. They have a lot of options. It's a bit like in Harry Potter, when his uncle tries to stop Harry from getting the Hogwarts letter. Somebody really cares that Harry gets his letter, so they keep sending the same message over and over again in lots of different ways. Eventually, the message gets through to Harry, and eventually the message gets through to us. Only we don't get to go to Hogwarts, we may end up with burnout. The trouble is, our friend is a fast learner, and we've unintentionally been teaching them that we only listen when the message is delivered creatively and loudly. So, the next time our friend wants our attention, it can happen that they don't bother telling us quietly, they go straight to the megaphone. But that doesn't explain why plenty of rest and self-care don't reset our stress responses. Why do those stress symptoms come back so quickly, even when we've taken time off, looked after ourselves or managed to reduce commitments? Why can it take days or even weeks on holiday for us to feel human again? but by Tuesday back, it's like we've never been away and we're straight back to brain fog and exhaustion. Here's what can happen. When we repeatedly receive signals from our nervous system that something is wrong and needs our attention, we can end up believing that something is wrong with us, rather than the situation we are in. That may be subconscious, or it may show up in self-talk. You have probably heard the saying, It's okay not to be okay, and of course that's true. But, once we start believing deep down that we are not okay, that something is wrong with us, self-care often only gives us temporary relief. That's because we keep sending ourselves the message that all is not well, and that keeps us feeling stressed. And when we've been in survival mode for so long, our nervous system and even our brain can undergo real physical changes to prioritise protection and survival at the expense of rest, focus, memory and connection. The result? Our system gets better and better at staying ready for danger, and worse and worse at everything else, including recovery and letting go. And when something inside us always stays on high alert, we can't fully relax, we can't recover, no matter how hard we try, Tension keeps building up in our body and mind, and our nervous system becomes almost like an oversensitive smoke detector. Even small things can set off our friend with the megaphone, and all those other stress symptoms that leave us feeling drained. Even the self-care that's meant to help can feel like extra pressure and add to the stress, instead of bringing the relief we are longing for. Because now the body's first question isn't Will this help? It's Is this safe? And when we are in survival mode, anything that feels like pressure doesn't feel safe to our nervous system, so feeling like we should do better with self-care can leave us feeling worse. Here's what's important: we are not broken. Stress can change us, but we can recover, we can feel well again. But most of us were never shown how to find our way back to that inner sense of safety. So, how do we find back to that all is well within us feeling? And what do we actually need to find lasting relief? The thing is, it's not about effort. Lasting relief doesn't come from trying harder. True relief means healing, not coping better with overwhelm. Recovering, not just managing stress. Our body and mind know how to heal and recover, not by adding more pressure, but by exploring a different path, one we simply weren't shown before. Not just keeping it together, finding back to feeling deeply okay. That's at the heart of my work. So, how do we get there and what do we need to recover? We just need the right conditions: inner safety, consistency, flexibility, support. But life rarely brings us perfect conditions for healing and recovery. Usually, we have to find our path amidst it all: work, laundry, tough days and too much on our plate. So, how do we create the right conditions? Let's start by looking at what's getting in our way. Here's what I've seen in my own life and through walking alongside others. Stress leaves us tense, foggy and exhausted, and that's making everything harder, including self-care, or figuring out what would actually help. Our auto-pilot ways of coping or finding relief, like pushing through or letting TV stand in for rest, often end up making us feel worse, not better. And we're drowning in random stress tips and have no idea what would actually work for us, so those stress symptoms keep coming back. So that means there are three key things we need to figure out. Number one, how do we get you some much needed headspace and energy back? Number two, how do we replace coping that's not really working for you with something that actually helps? And number three: How do you find your own personal path to recovery and relief that keeps working, even when life is stressful, so those stress symptoms don't take over again? Here's what I'd recommend and how we approach this in my Deep Relief programme, where I help people whose stress symptoms keep coming back, no matter what they've tried. Let's look at those questions one by one. First question: How do we get you some much needed headspace and energy back? What we need here is an approach that taps into that inner safety our body and mind need to feel to be able to recharge and for thoughts to become clearer. Something that brings reliable relief, not weeks from now, but from the start, even when we're completely exhausted or short of time. And because we know that anything that feels like extra pressure can make things worse, instead of adding to your already full day, we look where you can easily replace stuff that's not helping with something that actually does, so that everything just feels easier. The way I approach this is by teaching one adaptable core practice called iRest. So, what is iRest and how does it work? iRest is a guided practice. In a way, it's a bit like the guided meditations you might have tried before, but it's specifically designed for people living with the effects of long-term stress, burnout, and even trauma or PTSD. I still remember the huge sense of relief and gratitude when I realised that iRest was actually helping, when none of the other forms of mindfulness or meditation I had tried before had worked for me. It wasn't until later that I learned about the science behind why this works, when other approaches didn't. iRest was created by the psychologist Doctor Richard Miller, who combined modern psychology and neuroscience with deep relaxation, mindfulness, self-inquiry and Yoga Nidra meditation to support whole-person healing. And because iRest is designed to bring relief without adding any pressure, you don't need to sit in a special pose, empty your mind or try hard to get it right. You simply find a comfortable position, usually lying down or seated. Listen to the guide's voice and notice your responses. Unlike other forms of meditation, iRest guides us through a series of ten steps that speak to every aspect of our being: body, mind, emotions and our deepest sense of self. And that supports nervous system healing at the root, not just surface-level calm. The ten steps provide structure and consistency, but they can also be tailored to specific needs, whether that's a quiet few minutes to reconnect with wellbeing when you can fit it in, or a full twenty-thirty minute practice when you have more space. What I love about iRest is that it can bring immediate relief with each session, as well as the lasting relief and wellbeing that builds with regular practice. With each session, we calm the body's stress response and move from fight, flight or freeze towards all is well. Stress hormone levels go down and even our brainwaves shift from highly alert toward deeply restful ones. And in this state of rest and calm, it becomes easier for us to tune into the signals our body and mind are sending us. We begin to hear and trust our inner voice again, or perhaps for the first time, and that helps us shift unhelpful patterns and respond to stress in ways that serve us better. And that brings us to our second question: How do you replace those automatic coping habits that often backfire with something that actually helps? What's important here is to practice tuning into the signals our body and mind are sending us, so you get a better sense of what you really need and what's been holding you back, without our friend having to bring out that megaphone. That's a natural part of the iRest practice. And as your awareness grows, we can shift your practice and tap into habit change science, so you can start replacing those auto-pilot reactions and respond to stress in ways that actually work for you. And now, to our third question: How do you find your own personal path to recovery and relief that keeps working, even when life is stressful? How do you make sure those stress symptoms don't take over again? What we need is an approach that brings relief to our body, our mind and our emotions, And that works for us in our life, not just in theory. That starts by looking at your specific needs, what you already know and what would make the biggest difference to you right now. Not a rigid plan to follow, but a path that makes sense for you. And along the way, we gradually create your very own recovery system. And with that, things get easier and steadier, like finding your footing again and moving with the current, not pushing against it, even when things are tough. Because when we have a set of adaptable tools and a rhythm we can rely on whatever life brings, those stress symptoms show up less often and pass more quickly. And with regular practice, our body begins to restore its natural rhythms for responding to stress and our nervous system gets better and better at returning to inner safety, calm focus and relaxation, and so we find our way back to a deeply felt sense of wholeness and ease, ready to meet whatever life brings. In my programme, we tend to start with iRest as our foundation, and when it feels useful and you feel ready, we add in other science-backed tools, like simple ways to release tension from body and mind. And the research backs up what people experience: better sleep, emotional balance, lower stress levels and a shift out of survival mode, so they can finally recover. So, let's check in with those conditions we need to recover from long-term stress. We know that tools like iRest can help us reconnect with that felt sense of inner safety. And when we create a structure and a rhythm for regular practice that works for us in our life, then that gives us the consistency and the flexibility we need to recover. But there's one more element that might be missing, and that's the right kind of support. Often, we don't even realise that's what's missing, because we're so used to figuring things out on our own, and holding it together for others. So, why is it so hard to recover when we haven't got the support we need? You don't need me to tell you that knowing what helps and actually doing it consistently are two very different things, especially when we're stressed, foggy and exhausted. And it can be hard for people to know how they can support us, especially when they're used to us being the one they can always rely on. Chances are, some are also stuck in survival mode, struggling to find a way out, and others might be keen to tell us what we should do, without understanding what we actually need. We can end up getting the unspoken message from the world around us, that it's not okay for us to be struggling, that we should carry on and pretend everything is okay, and that adds to the stress and pressure. So when life happens, and stress goes up, we slip back all too easily into our familiar ways of coping, not because we lack motivation or willpower, but because to our stressed nervous system, familiar paths feel so much safer and easier to follow than trying to keep forging a new one, even when we know that our old way isn't helpful. That's why it's so important to have people in our life who can give us the support we really need, someone who helps us feel safe to continue on our new, helpful path, until it becomes a habit we can rely on, especially when life gets wobbly. A trusted guide who can help us navigate challenges life sends our way, make things feel doable and help us find our way without pressure. Someone who can help us listen inward, sort through the noise and shape something that fits, in our own time, in our own way. When we have someone beside us, who accepts us, just as we are, even when we are not okay, even when we are still figuring things out, then we can return to what's already there beneath the layers of stress: self-trust, ease and the quiet knowing I'm okay, I'm not failing, I'm healing. Because real, lasting relief doesn't come from trying harder, it begins when we learn how to feel deeply okay, just as we are, not just in our thinking, but in our bodies, in our bones. And from that place, rest becomes real again, thoughts become clearer, energy begins to return, there's room again for breath, for connection, for yourself. That's what we do in Deep Relief, helping you find your way back to yourself, with my personal guidance and support. Together, we build your very own system for creating the conditions you need to recover naturally and find reliable relief that keeps working, even when everything feels like too much. And we do that using science-backed practices that are helping people in all kinds of roles and circumstances, from veterans and teachers to caregivers and healthcare workers, because they work through direct experience, without having to share any particular beliefs. And that's why I'll stop talking now and instead invite you to try for yourself if my approach could work for you. You can do that easily with my free starter kit, which you can find just below this video on RealYou.works. So, take some time for yourself to rest and reconnect with wellbeing. You deserve it.